After having my second child, I found myself feeling more and more lost in terms of who I was outside of being a mom. I had been home with my first child for a year, when I got pregnant again, and therefore decided not to go back to work for a while. At some point I started to notice that it was hard for me to feel my own wants and needs – when my partner and I were fighting (which happened more often due to lack of sleep and alone time), I often fell short in expressing my own opinion on things, because I couldn’t feel them. Things that I used to enjoy doing, such as drawing, running and reading didn’t appeal to me anymore – when my partner pushed me to take some time for myself, I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt like my whole identity had become ‘being a mom’ and I was so tuned into what my kids needed, that I had a hard time feeling my own needs. This was both taking its toll on me as well as my relationship, because my partner also couldn’t feel me anymore..
First of all, feeling a loss of identity after becoming a mom is something very common, so if you’re struggling with this right now – you’re not alone! Second of all, there is something you can do! For me, the first step was to talk about the feeling of being lost with my partner and close friends. The second step was to start doing some of the things I knew I used to enjoy, even though I couldn’t feel the desire to do them. For me it was a slooow journey back to feeling more and more like myself – not my old self from before I had kids, but a new self, where being a mom is a part of me but not all of me.
Why do a lot of women (and some men) feel a loss of identity after becoming parents?
Our sense of self is often created by a mix of our social life, our professional life, our hobbies and our interests – the way we see ourself as a romantic partner, friend and colleague. However, all these aspects are greatly impacted by having a child.
In Germany, women often take about a year of maternity leave, some shorter and some longer – but stepping out of the labor market takes away a big part of your identity. If you then combine it with seeing your friends less, not having time for your hobbies and interests, and perhaps having more fights and less sex with your partner – it’s no wonder that you don’t feel like your old self.
What can you do?
Allow yourself to feel lost for a while – your whole world has been turned upside down, it takes time to find your way in this new life situation.
Accept that becoming a parent and having a new born, (almost) completely takes over your life – this is only temporary, and in a hopefully long life, this is just a very short phase.
Focus on some of the new skills and experiences you’ll have – You have created a new life, perhaps you’re breastfeeding. You're connecting with a brand-new life and learning to understand his/her needs and support their development. It’s something extremely meaningful and important
As you grow more confident in your role and routines as a mom, start reintroducing some of the things you used to love doing (coffee dates with friends, exercise, reading books, being creative, learning new things etc.)
Talk to someone about feeling lost. Whether it’s your partner, friend or therapist you don’t have to deal with feeling lost on your own. Get some emotional support while you go through this big life change.
More resources:
Listen to the podcast episodes:
Finding your “new” identity after becoming a mom
Identity changes after two kids
Comments